ENTER THE DRAGON

By Christine Jayakaran

September 1^st, 2020

It seems like a fair assessment to say that online classes bring out the worst in parents- me being one such parent! While my husband steers clear of all things educational I'm left holding the proverbial bucket. Between getting my youngest to sit still and pay attention, my middle child out of bed and onto her class and my oldest to stop staring at WhatsApp and start work, it's a pretty tight schedule. While I have learnt to throw my need for order out the window I found another elephant in my room. Not an elephant more like a dragon- because it's ugly, fire breathing and incinerating of anything in its path. Who is this dragon you ask? Why- it's the dragon of performance!

As most South Indians I am hardwired to perform decently at whatever I take up. Now I say decently because it's not like I always churn out excellent work but I can give the impression that I'm at least doing something! Have you noticed how we have heard it said when we were children 'based on how you perform we'll see whether you get such and such'. That word is a horrible word- it literally begs us to be fake or put on a show of some sort!

So, here I was, seated beside my son in his grade 1 class , safely off camera and eagerly waiting for class to start (eager for it to finish, more like!) To my utter dismay I found that I was unable to allow my son to look ignorant in any of his classes. I noticed how he squirmed when other kids knew answers and he didn't so I felt I should put him out of his misery- so I would help him with the answers or give him tips (almost answers) so that his unmuted participation was a smooth and successful one. I needed him to perform in order that he sounded as brilliant as his classmates and also so that I didn't look like a complete waste of space as a mother! It got to this point where he became completely dependent on me for every response and looked very nervous if I left the room. I realised I may have crossed the line but didn't know how to back track because well, I still wanted him to look and feel smart. This one time he had a reading exercise and he read the word “RAT” as “YAT” because (bless his sweet little heart) he can't pronounce the letter R yet! When his teacher struggled to understand him I jumped into the camera and explained that he was actually saying RAT but just had a hard time pronouncing it. I couldn't bear to see him misunderstood (AHH!! I know!! Not the greatest parenting win!) It changed soon enough when one of his classmates parents forgot to mute their microphone and was caught berating their five year old for writing miserably and for not being fast like the others. My son got a kick out of the fact that he wasn't the only one being pushed into writing better- for which all of us parents were summarily told by his teachers to “chill”. In no uncertain terms she told us that if we fed our kids the answers and helped them she would not know the areas where they needed help or were lagging. Boy was it a convicting moment for me. I was no different than that parent who lovingly and (very loudly) pushed their child.

I have probably many times knowingly and unknowingly given my children the feeling that only if they perform well would I be proud of their accomplishments. I may have said that they could improve their performance so that they were as good or maybe even better than their friends! (such cringe-worthy statements)

Coming back to my dragon-esque behaviour with my littlest one-I knew it had gotten bad when my son became incapable of handling negative feedback from us or his siblings. Since he was being coddled and praised for “good performance” in his classes he somehow imagined he was above correction and discipline! Tiny dragon rising alert!! He even said at one point because he was doing so “well” in his classes (he forgot he had his angel of mercy/ dragon of performance seated beside him feeding his ego) that he didn’t need to do his chores around home. His siblings almost laughed him out of the room. Reversing this train of thought took a lot out of us as parents but I had created this monster so I needed to undo the damage.

I think the tricky thing about us performing is that it is contagious. When I’m in performance mode I tend to create an atmosphere where others feel the need to perform too. Talk about a toxic environment. I noticed that it also creates a false sense of superiority where we think we are invincible or atleast better than others forgetting just how frail we really are, that even in ur best efforts there’s an element of divine grace that accompanies us. I also think that performing makes us shed our authentic self for a more crowd pleasing persona and eventually the curtain will fall - all will be revealed. As a parent I help my child to perform well with the excuse that I want to help him but maybe I can help him more by allowing him to discover his abilities and disabilities on his own. He will be better for it I’m sure.

As I write this, I have gone through a month of learning to back off on my son’s schooling. I had to wean him off me being in the room and have stopped feeding him with answers or nudges in the right direction. I sit beside him reading or working while he listens in class. As he answers questions be it right or wrong I sit quietly, even if its painfully long, while he figures out the three lettered word or that new concept in math. He has gotten bold about saying he doesn’t understand something being taught to him, he is learning to take feedback from his teachers, he is open to working on areas of academic weakness and to accept help from his siblings.

I faced my dragon-esque alter ego and have, to a great extent, vanquished it. It may make its appearance when the kids decide to surprise me with their choices or decisions in the future and I’m prepared to deal with it again and again if I have to, until its torn to shreds.