INTEGRATED INTEGRITY

By Christine Jayakaran

December 2^nd, 2020

This is probably my last blog for this year unless I learn a mindblowing lesson in the next 30 days. So my world-changing episode in the past few months has been based on mental health and well being. My mental health and well being to be specific. As leaders or mentors or whatever you want to call it, there’s a toll that is taken on our emotions when dealing with people. These are lovely, genuine, intricately designed people who need us to put our best foot forward in love, empathy and humility. I try to be that and more, so on the surface of it, I thought I was doing my best until I noticed on the inside I was feeling brittle and rather dry. I was saying and doing the right things as a leader for the most part (some of them may disagree) but something didn’t sit right, something didn’t feel right. I had rewritten my mental script, I was recounting the blessings in my life and I have curbed the dragon of performance to a great deal (I need to practice what I preach right?) but there was this inner disturbance that I couldn’t shake. I avoided dealing with it for as long as I could because, who wants to bell that kind of cat? A month back I was unwell with an unexpected malady which needed me to rest and as I lay in bed feeling sorry for myself I got clarity as to what was really going on.

C S Lewis in his book “The problem of pain” said “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience but shouts in our pains; it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world”. Boy, did he shout that day!

I knew God was speaking because only he can rehash unpleasant remembrances with the pure intention of setting things right. When I rehash past issues I do it with the intent to wound and hurt (do not look shocked, ask any married couple!!) but here he was bringing back to my mind unkind thoughts and judgements I had made about people that I had no business thinking or making. These were unkind, unfair and made out of intentional ignorance. The mental discontent had begun because my thoughts and actions were not matching. There was a disconnect which was causing this internal conflict the size of which I had never felt before. This sweet God who has given me everything I have was reminding me that my love needed to stem from my heart and mind before it left my mouth or extended my hands.

The word integrity has its roots in the word “integer” which means “whole” indicating a certain wholeness. To be a woman or man of integrity our outer and inner person need to be one. They need to be on the same page with one pouring into the other. As I continued to think about this I knew my emergent repentance was real but I needed an action plan (because I’m a to-do list kind of person, you know that!). I was about to hobble out of bed to get my journal when I felt I needed to stay put a little while longer which I did. My mind wandered to the thought of asking God what I needed to do with this new revelation about myself. I didn’t want to be a basket case riddled with guilt and self hate wandering up and down the long hallways of my mind. So my thoughts drifted to the inevitable question of “Now that I know what’s causing this- What do I do next? ”

I didn’t hear a voice from heaven or see a vision- I just knew what I needed to do. Thanks to years of hearing the gospel preached to me I knew that the way forward was to keep as my mental checkpoint the realisation just how undeserved and unconditional God’s love and kindness towards me has been- pet peeves and all. I just needed to ask God to fill me with this love - His love so that what overflowed out of me was the real thing. Not some half-baked compassion but a full-flavoured robust kind of love- the kind of love that made Jesus a magnet for the outcast and the hurting.

As a leader I am called to lead with love and courage which means when I need to speak my mind I must do it boldly and with compassion. When I need to shut up I will do it trusting that God will do his work in people irrespective of whether I open my mouth or not.

Leadership is hard sometimes, but it’s a beautiful gift from God.

Given that it’s from Him it means that in our leadership He doesn’t leave us to fend for ourselves or just fumble around till we figure it out on our own. I believe that He cares how we lead and where we lead from because He cares so dang much for the precious people He entrusts to us. He loves them too much to allow some insecure or loveless leader mess with them.

With this in mind I now know that I need to extend my hands, my feet and my words from a deep reservoir of my security as a daughter of a King not from a place of emotional drought and depletion.

As we enter the Advent Season may this be the anthem of our lives - that we will experience God all the time because he is with us all the time (Immanuel- Hello??) That He will be with us and help us as we love those in our lives, as we serve those we are called to serve and as we work with those we must work with and work for. My journey of deeper integrity has begun and it’s a slow one (try changing one stupid thought at a time) but it’s one where the destination is real peace and real joy-I won’t settle for anything less! I hope you won’t too!