I belong in a museum? Why? Because I can get very historical.
I really can. I can remember the stuff someone said to me wayyy back (the poor husband has a hard time with that- there’s no forgetting that fight in 2009!) I can also remember the ways in which I have messed up so long back that it still can make my skin crawl in embarrassment. I can remember those off-colour remarks made by someone who visited home (I can quote them verbatim! Yuck! I know!) I can remember some of those painful episodes of being rebuffed or insulted by someone important to me. It's not all bad though. On the bright side, I can remember the smallest acts of kindness, surprising words of encouragement and constructive criticism from trusted friends. I can also remember the jokes my dad used to crack when I was 10 (well thats maybe because he still cracks some of those jokes- hats off to you mum- lol!).
Bottom line - I have a good memory - you get the point. The problem with this memory is that it doesn't let go of the things that it really should get rid off. I have forgiven those people who make their appearance in the memories but forgetting- that doesn't come easy. I have, in numerous situations, grumbled to my husband about not having a less detailed memory - like him. He can effortlessly forget about the less than fun stuff and move on with his life. But for me??! I would have moved on but you just need to press the reminisce button and out will come to those stories of yore (from hell and beyond).
I have tried so hard to stop the rehashing and recounting of those dreaded tales of my past that didn’t help me stay committed to my present but then someone would trigger me by asking a well placed ‘What actually happened?’
I have tried forceful forgetting, positive thinking and even ignoring those triggering questions but eventually, my mind would recount those things that were better left in the past.
I may have finally found the remedy for this weird malady though.
During my time of meditation a few weeks back, I came across this verse from Isaiah 63 verse 7 which said ‘I will recount the steadfast love of the Lord, the praises of the Lord according to all that the Lord has granted us, and the great goodness to the house of Israel.’
I remember just sitting on this verse for a whole day and specifically being stumped by the word recount. I mean, I discovered I’m a recounter. That's what I am. I realised that this needed me to be conscious of what I recounted. I needed to recount the amazing things God had done in the midst of those mess-ups, insults and setbacks. Ha! So if I keep recounting His goodness, His unfailing love towards me and His great works in my life I can crowd out all the other unnecessary remembrances till they truly become things of the past. My husband and I tried it this week when we began to remember something unfortunate that had happened with acquaintances around 2 years back - we acknowledged that it happened and that it hurt - we also realised just how close God had been to us during that time - we were never alone. The haunting memory finally lost its grip on us. (Yes, I felt much better knowing my husband had memories and feelings associated them with too!) It's comforting that I may have found a long term solution to a long term problem. Although I sometimes slip and recount the things better left forgotten, on the whole, I feel like I'm less caught up in History and more involved in Current affairs.
Are you a recounter too?
You probably are since you are Human and you have a delightful part of the brain called the amygdala which is responsible for our memories. I wonder what it is that you recount? If you're like me where you don't get hysterical but get historical maybe it's time to keep those thoughts in check and churn out gratitude rather than grievances and praise instead of petulance.
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