REMEMBER TO HEAL

By Christine Jayakaran

February 28^th, 2021

How many times have we been asked or instructed to “forget it”?

How many times have we been advised to move on and pretend that something which happened didn’t happen?

How often have we pretended to ourselves that parts of our life don’t matter because they are too irritating and even painful to rehash?

I have been reading a book on trauma and the effect it has on our bodies and the psychiatrist who authors it says that “The greatest sources of our suffering are the lies we tell ourselves”

I am tempted to add the shocked eyes emoji at this point because it shocked me! I mean aren’t we asked to forgive and FORGET? Aren’t we supposed to soothe ourselves when hurt and move on with life? No one likes a whiner or a historian of our own stories! Right?

I don’t think so anymore!

I realised as I read those lines that it is more common to cover up, rather than to take a lingering look at the overlooked parts of our past, afraid of what we may uncover. This past week, an unexpected source tipped me off to look back at a part of my past that was best left forgotten or so I thought. After ignoring the door to that sad memory for a few days I finally gave in and allowed myself a short trip down that road of memories. The feelings it evoked brought back profound sadness- the kind of which I didn’t even feel at the time that it occurred. As I felt that grief afresh, it did something I had never experienced before. It enabled me to shed a few tears (so few I could count them) but more than that, it helped me heal. I felt the sadness leave and a quietness settle on me. A quietness that was more of quiet resolve. A resolve to accept the sadness, to never treat someone the way we had been treated and to be propelled into a more spacious place of renewed trust in people. You see, because of that hard time in our family’s life I had created a Wanda Vision-like memory of the entire episode. I had cooked up an alternate version of the reality so that it looked pleasant, felt palatable and (in some twisted way) had even become memorable. The truth though, was that I had numbed myself to those people, the setting and the circumstances. I didn’t allow myself to feel anything about that time or even focus much on those "memorable" memories. Unfortunately (or fortunately) our brain and our body work differently. Unfortunate, because every time the topic came up it would make my throat constrict with an emotion I couldn’t put my finger on. Fortunate because the emotion was grief, the type that was waiting to be acknowledged, embraced and released so that I could freely and truly move on with my life. The longer the grief is held in, the less present and purposeful I am. The more I try to forget it and overlook it, the more my brain brings it back to consciousness. (Thank God for the brain that insists we heal so that we can do more with our lives!)

Why do I write this? Mainly because I know that a lot of us would rather forget what happened than look back, accept it happened, feel what we must feel and then allow ourselves time to heal. When we bypass this process, we turn out like an undercooked meal (fancy for some, less than satisfactory for others but either way bound to upset your gut health!). If you have begun remembering something that you would rather forget, can I ask you to allow yourself to remember? If it’s too traumatic or you feel you need help processing the emotions that are associated with it, contact a good counsellor who is trained in trauma recovery. If you don’t know of any such counsellors I would love to connect you with a few friends I have who are the right people for the job. Don’t hold it in forever- since our lives are short we must make the most of our days. Why not start now by healing parts of us that we don’t want to admit are hurt? I guarantee you that you will lose those extra grams that weigh you down, clear your mind of any fuzziness and put purpose into your stride here on terra firma.