SIX MONTHS DOWN

a lifetime to go

By Christine Jayakaran

We just crossed the six month mark after celebrating our tenth year being married and I have been reflecting on some of the things I have learnt in just this half of the year alone.

1. Homely is the new hot

You know back in the day, calling a girl homely meant she was marriage material because she was probably calm, dressed in a comely fashion, was sure to give her husband a couple of children and of course be a model daughter in law. I therefore despised that word and never liked anyone being referenced that way. Today though after being a wife for ten years and a mum for 9 I can confidently say homely means none of the above. I think being homely just means you can make home home! It means that you can be a career woman or a house wife, mom to one or mom to none and still be in charge of all that happens under your roof. Irrespective of whether you're a gourmet chef at home or the queen of the home delivery menu, and irrespective how you wear your hair or what your social life looks like, how you hold your home together is the only thing that matters. It looks different for each woman and each home so there is no point in making a list of things that make you homely it's just an attitude of the heart.

2. Kindness is always an option

I used to think that the truth is the most important thing in any relationship. 'Truth at all costs' used to me my motto (why would I have a motto right?!!lame!!) I have learnt though, that truth without love is just plain cruelty. I have learnt to temper truth with kindness and the results are so worth it. Kindness changes my tone and tenor. It softens my heart and brings to mind all the things I love about this person in front of me. Lisa Bevere, the author, recently wrote 'Kindness is not endorsement' which I have embedded in my soul. Being kind costs me nothing but could mean the world for the recipient of that kindness.

3. Listening doesn’t mean problem solving

Ahem. This is for the guys out there. Okay and for the girls because we all like to give advice and counsel right? Even when it's not asked of us. Between my husband and me both of us are listeners and both of us are talkers. I am an over-communicator while he is an advice giver. Lol!! We are working on active listening which is just listening with no added gyan. Most times we need just a sounding board because when we say some things out loud they sound ridiculous and we realise just how foolish we sound. No advice needed for that hey? Many times when we speak, we are unloading fragile and intricate feelings that just need to be listened to without interruption and mostly without judgement. Like I said being the over communicator this is a challenge for me since I just assumed that men are simple minded folk without complex feelings (yikes I know!sorry guys! ) but I realise that they have feelings and emotions just like anyone and rash comments and judgements injure them just as much as it does us girls. (They just don't sulk or throw hissy fits about it. Sorry babes!)

4. Soul fitness is as important as physical fitness

I have enjoyed physical fitness for many many years now. As important as physical exercise is, I know now that your soul's health is equally, if not more important. Some newly marrieds and even married-for-a while couples think they need to do everything together or worse don't do anything that edifies them as individuals. The thing is, you both need space to do the things that give you joy, relax you and bring you closer to God. For me it's dancing, writing, window shopping, meeting up with girl friends, praying and reading in no particular order. I do these by myself and I find that after I do these things I'm a better wife and mum. I release my husband to travel the globe for exciting ventures that open up for him, he visits with guy friends who refresh him, he enjoys cooking fun stuff for the kids and gadget shopping alone is his bliss. These spaces we have for ourselves make us savor our times together more and bring lots of freshness and perspective to our family life.

5. Laughter is therapeutic

Like any couple we have our rough patches as well, be it road bumps in our health or in relationships. We have learned to navigate these twists and turns with our humour intact. I have watched my dad regale my mum with jokes (most of them repeated many times over, sorry dad) over their 35 years together and keep her laughing all year round. For the record, in the past 15 years or so mum has begun taking revenge and cracking them back at him. For us if it's been a particularly challenging week we unwind by watching comedy. We watch our children do goofy things and sometimes join in just to enjoy the mass hysteria that follows. During hard seasons we have allowed ourselves to dream outrageously and have belly laughed about the imagined outcomes. Laughter is really the best medicine. Our circumstances might stay the same but we come away from them more joyful and expectant than before.

I look forward to growing old with my man and will continue taking stock six months at a time of where we were and where we are currently. I hope this blessed you.