The “D” word

that monster under my bed

By Christine Jayakaran

Ever felt like you have everything going well on the surface but inside you feel like you are wading through thigh high clay or slush? Moving home after three years on the road was somehow harder than I imagined. Maybe it was the silent dismissal of people given by those close to us or the “you‘re not gonna be here for long“ vibe that people bounce off us that made it worse. The financial struggles have been, by far the hardest we have had in forever. The bills mounting up, kids school payments awaiting us, grocery lists never ending. These didn‘t help the situation at all. In the midst of all the chaos and activity the only thing I want to do a lot of the time is to curl up and sleep and maybe wake up when all this has passed.

Today was when I officially knew I was upset because I lay down and waking up was so exhausting. I didn‘t want to wear my glasses since I didn‘t want to see anyone‘s eyes or their expressions. I didn‘t want to speak lest it take too much effort to form sentences. I didn‘t want to work out because maybe I won‘t have the energy to make dinner. Now that last one right there was of the greatest alarm to me since working out is like breathing to me. My husband not clearing the air about an argument we had earlier in the day only further accentuated my downward spiraling emotions as I felt unworthy of even an attempt at closure from him. Frankly my flight response was very heightened and my fight and fright ones were very suppressed. Again another frightening realization since I‘m usually a fight kinda woman!

I then realized that if left unchecked these emotions can plunge me into an abyss from which there would be no return ( at least not for some time and not without external help). And so begins my journey to steer clear of that ugly monster hiding under my bed, the monster called discouragement. I initially mistook what I was so going through for depression. But I realized that prolonged discouragement and despair would lead me straight into the arms of depression. Discouragement in itself was whooping my butt and if I wasn‘t cautious it would topple me off my feet. It is the sort of horrid monster which doesn‘t let me laugh my characteristic “throw your head bad and snort“ type of laugh when my kids do ridiculously funny things. The monster who doesn‘t let me see all the good in me and the people around me but instead fixates on all the negatives. The monster that makes me sit mindlessly in front of the Tv or endlessly browse online shopping apps or tirelessly scroll through social media while life and time rolls on all around me.

NO MORE !

I will no more miss out on all that God in his goodness has given me. So when life hits me I will get up and hit it back. I will hit back with joy, contentment, kindness, generosity and love. I will sleep less and work more. I will laugh more and cry less. I will expect less and give more.