THE WRESTLE

a short story

By Christine Jayakaran

“I have been hating myself. I don't feel like I quite measure up. I am not your quintessential guy. I don't work out so I'm not buff... quite flabby actually. I am always out of fashion intentionally or unintentionally I don't know. My hairline is receding at an alarmingly quick pace and I never get a second glance from anyone. I could be a ghost for all I know since no one ever acknowledges my presence or absence for that matter. If I had a super power it would be 'invisibility' because that's what I am.”

“I've been like this for as long as I know! I was a tomboy according to my aunts who had insinuated that I would never find a 'good boy and settle down' because of how I looked and carried myself. I'm a jeans and tee kinda gal because that's what I'm most comfortable in. I lost interest in boys a long time back thanks to the endless snide remarks and rejection they subjected me to for most of my adolescence. I enjoy the company of other girls.. a lot... okay..maybe too much. My older brother and sister were regular kids but I was the 'black sheep' . My parent were and are still embarrassed by me and my choices. I'm not sure if I became this way or I was born this way but this is me. ”

“ Look at me, I'm a six foot five inch mammoth of a man. I play basketball and enjoy deep sea fishing. By day I'm a banker with elite clientele and by night I'm well, different. I enjoy the occasional dress up situation. I love me some killer stilettos and an empire waisted dress. That flatters me best I think. I don't care what others think.... okay that's not true.. it does hurt that my family is morbidly ashamed of me and that a few of my closest friends walked out of my life without so much as a backward glance. The loneliness gets to me sometimes but i should be true to myself right? Well, I think, this is who I'm meant to be."

“I'm a stay at home mum of two. I used to be a student of science with aspirations of being a scientist and doing cutting edge research in genetic engineering. Now the only thing I research is why my carrots went bad in my fridge and if my daughter could possibly be gluten intolerant. My husband lives a fast paced life as a surgeon and hardly has time for affairs of the home or heart. I know I have the 'high' calling of being a mother but I often wonder what happens after the kids grow up and fly the nest. I wont be relevant to science nor be qualified for any job for that matter. I have forgotten who I am amidst the confines of my life as a wife, mother and general manager of our 'crib'. I feel a little worthless and lost sometimes."

Well, I just loved hearing each of your stories. Let me tell you my story.

I'm Jake. I was a mumma's boy, a thief and a bit of a ladies man. That's putting it mildly.. because I had four wives. Still do actually. Two legit ones and two (how do I put it) add ons. I was also a father to twelve strapping men and one lovely girl.

I said I was a thief, that's an understatement since I tricked my brother and father for wealth and honour which were not mine to begin with. I had to run away from home since my brother wanted to kill me and had nomad status for a while until I began to work for my uncle. Working for him made me only more shrewd and a tad cunning since he was a crafty chap. What can I say.. Iron sharpens Iron! My uncle became my father in law soon after but being the shrewd operator he was, he tricked me into marrying his older daughter, someone I didn't love (sorry ladies, I was a jerk! I know!) She was a great home maker though and soon was a busy mum of my sons. I eventually married the one I loved (his younger daughter) but she had her struggle with infertility which made our relationship a little rocky. I was not the best father, in fact I was downright bad at it since I loved one of my sons way more than the other eleven and boy did I pay for it. I almost lost my daughter to a rape committed by a foreigner and created murderers of my son by my complacency. The list of my mess ups go on. One night though every thing changed. I was due to meet my long lost brother (yep, the one I cheated) and I was flipping out. Literally! So I sent my family ahead and stayed back to gather my wits and maybe pray (more like beg) asking God for safety for me and my family. I ended up wrestling with God for most of that night. I know!!? You're like 'Say what now?' I get that. I was confused too but weirdly it was the most exhilarating and liberating feeling I had ever experienced. As I wrestled this insanely strong man/God I was forced to take a closer look at myself and all the ways in which I had been defined. My identity was so skewed and it took a hip wrenching, muscle straining encounter to change all that. I still have the limp to prove it! That night changed me forever. God changed my name from Jacob (meaning deceiver, thanks Dad and Mom!) to Israel (meaning wrestled with God and was victorious- loosely translated). Here's what I'm trying to tell you though. I can see that each of you is struggling with your identity. I'm living proof that God can handle your struggle. You need to look straight into God's face and ask him your hard and messy questions about your life, your sexuality (hello! I'm serious, nothing's taboo with him) and your purpose. Don't look anywhere else guys. You'll get it wrong! Look up! Wrestle and wrestle some more till you get your answers. Fair warning- You may not like the answers but you'll find peace and fulfilment at the end of it. Trust me!