When Panic Attacks

By Christine Jayakaran

My husband and I recently had to travel out of town for a training session and so had to leave behind our kids with their grandparents for a few days. This was the first time after my illness that I had to be away from them and under estimated what that meant for me. If you saw someone at the Chennai domestic terminal with tears in their eyes and quivering lips that would have been me. My husband didn't know what had gotten into me and couldn't understand why I wouldn't be thrilled to have some much needed kid free time for the next few days and neither could I, honestly. It then dawned on me that after my hospital stay I hadn't left the kids overnight for anything and the memories of the nights away from them during that time were beginning to haunt me.

What if I didn't make it back?

What if something happened to the children?

What if this?

What if that?

The list went on.. and then I stopped. I had to.

I stopped and I had to look closer at this mirage that fear had created before my eyes. It was uncanny but it looked like reality when in fact it was just a confused coil of 'what-ifs'!! There was nothing concrete there. There were no facts to back my fears.

There was just the need to take a deep breath and say 'God you got this! I'm not in charge. You are!'

The mirage dissolved. I saw my handsome man before me, ready and waiting for a break with his wife. I saw the opportunity to sit in a learning environment and expand myself intellectually. I saw a chance to get 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep for a few days (ha!!)

I finally saw my reality for what it truly was and could step into it. My fears may be steeped in reality or completely irrational but I'm grateful for a mind that's able to be intentional in finding answers and background to those fears. I'm also grateful for a close relationship with Jesus which allows me to show Him my frail and broken side knowing he'll understand. He doesn't judge me. He just gets it! Of course he never leaves us the way we come to him. He keeps shaping us into stronger and better versions of ourselves. In the mean time I'll keep stomping fear into the ground and moving forward, thank you very much!