As someone who is around people almost all of the time I have found this disturbing reality to be true - not everyone likes you! You can try your best to be likeable but let’s face it, if you were in a popularity contest you may not come out on top! As someone who has struggled with people-pleasing for a while now, I have found this hard to digest. I am now learning to pivot from the disappointment that usually ensues from such situations in a direction, that was not that foreign to me, but hard nonetheless!
It happened when I was reading the epistle written by John where he writes the following:
"And whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments and do those things that are pleasing in His sight. And this is His commandment: that we should believe on the name of His Son Jesus Christ and love one another, as He gave us commandment."
I John 3:22-23 (NKJV)
So Jesus, when He lived on the earth, told His disciples that the two great commandments were to love God with their whole being and then to love one another. He explained that people of the world would know they belonged to Him, by the love they displayed for each other. John the Apostle, goes on to write in the years that follow, that our love for God is demonstrated in our obedience of His word and living a life that pleases Him. Nowhere does He mention living a life that pleases people. In fact, the apostle Paul, very vehemently declares in his letter to the Galatians, that he doesn’t please people anymore because he is now a bondservant of Christ!
Whoa! Do you realise a bondservant aims to only please His master, not everyone in their wake? They serve at His pleasure! Reading these verses and meditating on them really got me thinking about my need to please people and do what works best to keep me favoured in their eyes. I found it was the most destructive trait I had, because there was little or no wiggle room for God to speak to me or impress things on my heart. My heart was cramped and a bit stressed with my incessant need to do or say the right thing, that I had no bandwidth to find out what God felt I should say or do.
The worst part is that no matter how much you try to make people comfortable or go out of your way to keep them happy, you still have those for whom it’s never enough! You still disappoint the few. You still have some with whom you never catch a break!
Can I share with you the epiphany I had?
It’s okay! It’s totally okay!
Sorry if you were looking for a very deep answer, but that’s about the gist of it.
It’s okay to not please people.
You were never meant to please people.
That’s not why you were created or birthed. It’s not why you exist. The only one you need to think of pleasing is your Maker and He already delights in you!
What you are called to do is to love people.
This love takes different forms since each of us have our own unique ways of giving and receiving love. It could be demonstrated through a kind act, a gentle touch, a text or a heartfelt prayer. Love isn’t truly love if it isn’t in action. Interestingly, love stands out because there are no strings attached. You do what you do for someone because you know you need to or want to but you have zero expectations for what they must do for you in return. On the other hand, when we are caught up with pleasing people, there is this hidden motive of getting the person to like you or be softer towards you or maybe even to return the favour to you at a later date.
I have finally begun moving in the direction of hanging up my towel of people-pleasing and just choosing to live in the moment, where I’m open to the nudges that God gives me to demonstrate love to the people I encounter. It no longer irks me when someone finds me unpalatable. The realisation that I was not put on the earth to live at the pleasure of everyone I meet, has changed my life.
It has been dramatically freeing to just live to please the ONE and not the many. After all, only the One died for me, saved me, loved me and continues to love me unconditionally!
P.S. The ones who were most benefited by your people-pleasing will be a little ticked off when you wake up to this reality and start living differently. Keep choosing to love them (maybe even from a distance for a while).
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